Ok.. this may be a post that's a little out of the ordinary, but one thing I have found since blogging/journaling over the past few years is that I find it to be very therapeutic for me. Not only does it help me to get all the thoughts/memories/ideas that are always going through my head out on paper in a semi organized fashion, but it also forces me to see all the good that sometimes is so easily lost in the midst of the craziness of everyday life. With that being said, today's post is for me. If someone else can find some comfort in it in knowing that they aren't alone with some of the struggles that go along with parenting, then that makes it even more great; however, as I sit here in my living room with toys scattered high and low, a sink full of dishes, unmade beds, and a pile of laundry from the weekend, I know the last thing I should be doing is sitting here posting about my feelings and challenges and neglecting all of this. BUT, hopefully, my mindset will be a little clearer at the end, I will be a bit more positive, as well as be reminded that some of these struggles are SO common, temporary, and really not that big in the grand scope of things, thus leading me to be a more productive, patient, and energized wife and mommy! (My hope anyway! Haha!)
Payton is getting to be at the age where certain everyday routine things are becoming a bit more challenging. I know a lot of this goes with her age. They don't talk about the "terrible twos" for nothing. She is learning that what we want for her and what's best for her sometimes isn't always what SHE wants. This is so challenging with a toddler because they sometimes can't understand your explanation as to why they can't be doing what they are doing. Also, sometimes, I am not sure if she completely understands the concept behind "time-out" and some of our other discipline techniques, although I know its important to continue to reinforce them with consistency. All of these points mixed together create an atmosphere for frequent meltdowns and temper tantrums. Another particular issue that we have been dealing with over the course of that last month is Payton's sleep pattern. She was a TERRIFFIC sleeper as an infant/baby. Her toddler years, are panning out a bit differently. A lot of this stemmed from when I took her bottle away close to a year ago. We looked for another way to soothe her so instead of laying her in her crib right after her nighttime bottle, I began cuddling/rocking her to sleep to soothe the separation anxiety from her bottle. I know a lot of people see this as a controversial issue, but I was COMPLETLEY ok with it. I loved the bond that we shared while she fell asleep at night, and for the most part, she always fell asleep very quickly and would sleep for close to 7-8 hours in her crib at night. This night time routine has worked perfectly up until the last couple of months. Payton was all of a sudden waking in the night and not feeling secure enough to put herself back to sleep without me coming to get her and putting her back to bed. I again, choked this up to a phase that she would eventually outgrow, and didn't mind getting up to soothe her back to sleep, as she was again, going back to bed very quickly and we were both sound asleep within 10-20 min. However, as Payton is starting to grow, she is no longer comfortable being rocked to sleep. It is starting to take well over an hour to get her to sleep at night, and when she wakes at night, its not so easy to get her to go back to bed. I really think she is just too big and not comfortable when I rock her and is finding trouble getting herself to relax enough to fall asleep. Also, being 14 weeks pregnant, my sleep is becoming a bit more of a necessity, and I am finding myself a bit worried about how our nights are going to pan out with a not-so-great sleeping toddler and a newborn who requires feedings every 3 hours. :/ Also, I want Payton to feel safe and secure enough to be able to sleep on her own, and I know that her growing little body needs a good night's rest for her to be happy, healthy, and energetic! I really think that some of her occasional meltdowns and tantrums could also be contributed to not getting adequate rest. Because of this, Ryan and I have been trying to enforce a different nighttime routine for her. I have been laying her in her bed without rocking her and sitting next to her crib until she falls asleep. My hope is that once she learns to fall asleep on her own with me in the room, she will eventually feel secure enough to fall asleep with me out of the room, knowing that I'm right there if she ever needs me. However, this has been SO HARD!! She wants so badly for me to get her out and hold her and it just melts my heart completely! Writing this post has found me a bit emotionally drained after laying Payton in her crib for nap, sitting right next to her bed, while she fell asleep. She would cry and I would cry and try to hide my tears while I gently rubbed her head and continued reassuring her it was nap time and that mommy was right here but that she was going to lay down to nap. She did eventually fall asleep, but unfortunately, instead of being so ecstatic that she DID do it and that we possibly might be getting somewhere, I find myself starting to second guess if this is really the best thing, even though I know its probably worth a shot.
Prior to getting out the computer to began journaling, I came straight into the living room and sat down to pray. Some of my thoughts that I poured out to God went a bit like this: Its just SO hard to know as a parent what the right thing to do is all the time. I know that no parent is perfect and that God also knows this and doesn't expect this, which is why we need Jesus. However, what parent doesn't want to do what's best for their child all the time??? I want nothing more that to raise a healthy, God fearing and God serving child who loves others and strives to display the fruits of the spirit in all that she does. Why is it so hard to know how to parent? I mean, I don't want to sweat the small stuff. I know its important to laugh things off at times, and that a parent can't be so uptight and has to just "go with the flow" in certain situations. However, I also understand that discipline is essential to parenting and that some issues cannot be overlooked. Payton has to learn the difference between right and wrong and it's our job to teach her this. I can't just mask everything and chalk it up to "this is just a phase, and she'll just outgrow it!" I just pray that God will help me find the right balance in all of this and to understand the difference between the two.
I will say that during my talk with God, he graciously reminded me that I am the best person for this job, and that with HIM, I hold all the abilities to make the right decisions. I was also reminded that he CHOSE me to be the mother to sweet Payton Elaine, and because of that there is NO ONE who could do this job better. (Wow, I really sound like I am tooting my own horn! haha) When he reminded me of this, I could do nothing but be so grateful. My emotionally drained, unconfident, weary spirit was turned into one that was reminded of how highly the Lord the holds me to KNOW that I can handle this task. He is SO sure in my ability to do this that he hand picked me out of all the women in the world to mother this child and has entrusted her life with me. I was also reminded that I was the one chosen to not only be given this task but also the one chosen to be given this wonderful blessing. This does nothing but remind me of how much my heavenly father thinks of me and loves me and I can't help but to be smiling as I wrap up this post!
So all in all, I think I do feel more energized, refreshed, and positive, as I end this. Being a mother is the absolute HARDEST job in the world, but boy I wouldn't trade it for anything!! It's funny how God can bless us through our challenges, even if its all about a change in perspective! ;) He is SO good ALL the time!
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