For our family, 2011 came to a close as we got to experience the excitement of watching Payton celebrate her first Christmas with friends and family, but also ended with heartache and pain as Ryan's mother, Payton's Grandma Trudy, passed away. Although we are so grateful that she is in the presence of our Lord, free of all pain and suffering, we are still adjusting to life without her and missing the great times we always shared with her. With Trudy being my mother-in-law, as well as grieving the loss of her in my life, I am also hurting for my husband, as I watch him grieve the loss of his mother. However, it is so amazing to watch how God is giving him strength and carrying him through this whole process! Watching God work in his life during this time has inspired me to share with others how he is finding peace through all of this in order to hopefully give a bit of strength and peace to others who may be experiencing a tragic loss in their life. (Although, he has no idea I writing about this, so I may get an ear full later!! haha!)
The morning of Trudy's passing, Ryan was with her at home. When I got the phone call, I was panicked! I rushed to her home with a tremendous amount of emotion. Obviously, upset at the thought that the night before may have been the last night that the 3 of us, Ryan, Payton, and I got to spend with his mother, but also terrified at what emotional state I may find Ryan in. For those of you who may not know Ryan's background, Trudy was a single mother, and Ryan was her only child. Needless to say, they were very close for a mother and son!! To my surprise, he was very calm, and kept reassuring me that he was ok. It's hard to remember too many details about that day. What the both of us do remember clearly is the tremendous support system of friends and family that gathered around, and if any of you are reading this, please know how grateful we are for you!! I kept trying to comfort Ryan in any way that I knew how, and kept analyzing what I was going to do to "pick up the pieces" when he completely lost it.
To my surprise, Ryan handled himself so well that day and the following week. He was a source of strength for his grandmother, Trudy's mom, who was also with us through it all, and courageously took all the necessary steps as far as the phone calls and arrangements that needed to be made. Now, don't get me wrong, Ryan grieved and Ryan grieved hard, just like anyone who has lost someone significantly close to them, but for some reason, his actions were far different than I ever imagined. I guess I expected more of "How could God let this happen to me!" "Why did she have to go through this?" "How am I going to get through this," etc.
After a few days had passed, and things started to slow down, I asked Ryan what was giving him his source of strength and how he was processing all of this. I will never forget his response to me. He simply explained that he realized there were two routes he could go when dealing with his mother's death. Option one was to be angry with God, asking him how he could let this happen, why did she have to battle cancer, and to even question his faith altogether. Option two was to be grateful for the fact that he got to spend 28 wonderful years with her, be estatic that she got to be a part of so many important events in his life, including our engagement and wedding, and the birth of Payton, and to find comfort in knowing that he was with her the morning of her passing and that she is now in the arms of Jesus, free of all pain and suffering! His exact words were, "Holly, I made up my mind that day that I was going to go with option two and because of that, as crazy as it may sound, I feel blessed and closer to God than I have ever felt!"
As with anyone who goes through the loss of a loved one, it is much easier to stay positive on certain days than others. I have talked this out many times with Ryan and have prayed that God will help me to be who Ryan needs as his spouse, his helper, and the heart of our home during this time. While praying for God to show me this, I finally just asked Ryan what he thought he needed the most from me. I definitely saw the answer to my prayer in his response. He said, "Holly, what I need the most from you is prayer and to help me re-direct my thinking on those hard days when it seems to be so easy to want to go with option one!"
When asking God to help me with this, I find myself clinging hard to the promises in his word. God never promised that as Christians we would live a life free of suffereing, pain, and trials. He never promised that he would answer all of our prayers in the way that WE want them to be answered. He never promised that we would always see and understand exactly how he is working in our lives. What he DID promise is that if we trust him and give him our lives, he will walk with us and sometimes completely carry us through the storm! We never have to go at this alone! He also promised that if we give him our lives, we will one day be free of all this wordly junk and find ourselves safe and sound in his arms! I continue to be amazed at how God is working as I watch Ryan go through this. I am seeing him grow as a Christian man, husband, and father.
Crazy how God works!!
As part of our "option two" way of thinking, we are obviously very grateful for the 9 great months that Payton got to spend with her grandmother, and we wanted to take the time to document those important events. Here they are!!
1) Trudy was the first family member that we told when we found out we were expecting!! Probably because we knew how excited she would be!
2) Trudy was with us and also got to witness the first image of Little Miss Payton on the ultrasound screen!! What a glorious day that was!
3) Trudy was the first person, other than Ryan and I, who got her hands on Miss P! What a blessing it was that Trudy was feeling so good that day!
4) Payton Elaine is named after her grandmother, Trudy Elaine!
5) Trudy was holding Payton on Easter Sunday when she let out her first big smile!
6) Trudy was an eye witness to Payton rolling over for the first time! (Daddy missed it, but grandma was there!)
7) Trudy always called Payton her "baby girl" and her "doll baby" and loved to play patty cake with her. Payton was always exceptionally happy when she was at Trudy's. We always noticed that! Also, despite how sick she sometimes felt, she always got down in the floor to play with Payton. I will never forget this!!
8) Trudy was the first person other than Ryan and I to witness Payton crawling! Ryan was skyping with her on the computer, and Payton took off after grandma's face on the laptop! lol!
9) Payton's favorite stuffed animal is the little lamb from her Grandma Trudy that sings "Jesus Loves Me."
10) Trudy was able to enjoy Payton's first Christmas!
Although we will continue to miss her in our everyday lives, we are so grateful for these memories!
She was an amazing mother who had tremendous strength. She would never let Ryan know, or anyone for that matter, just how bad she was feeling at times. Being a mother, I get that now. Mothers would do anything to protect their children from worry, heartache, and pain, no matter how old their children are. We are also forever grateful to God for our precious little girl, who looks a lot like her grandma and will be a constant reminder of her presence. Again, we could not be more thankful for family and friends who have shown Christ's love to us through their love and support. We are SO blessed, and God is SO good!!
